Step-parents play an important role in the lives of children.? However, their identity as ?parents? is frequently complicated and defined by a common fear and misconception: A step-parent can never replace a biological parent and is therefore ill-equipped to parent their step-child.
As someone who grew up with two brothers, one who was step-parented by my father, and one who was step-parented by my mother, I know first-hand how families can improve their relationship dynamics by living with more consciousness and reflecting on the unintended impacts they may cause.? As a little girl, I understood that my older brother was not my mother?s biological son.? But, this never made a difference to me.? ?I expected her to treat him the same way she treated me. When she didn?t, it actually hurt me more than it hurt my brother. As a child, my relationship and my respect for my mother and father was formed through watching them and how they responded and interacted with all of us. There were times I loved and respected them thoroughly, and there were times that I did not like what was happening in front of me. Simply, my relationship with my parents were influenced and sometimes defined by the way they were being with my brothers.
My personal situation deeply shaped my admiration for the step-parents who come to the Parentology workshop. Some of them have their own children, while some are step-parenting. ?Others have children that are being step-parented by their own partners or by their ex?s partner. ?It is complicated for all of them, but doubly rewarding when they realize how they are also creating the relationship dynamic. In some cases, when step-parents feel disempowered to assume the role of a parent, they try to get their message across through their partner, rather than having a direct and open relationship with the child. This indirect way of communicating often damages relationships between partners, as well as with the child. ?But, the potential for growth as human beings is limitless once they choose to be reflective about the role they play in their relationships.
When step-parents feel a responsibility to do the act of parenting, the power struggle begins to lessen. And, when step-parents hold that knowledge gracefully, it transforms the relationship between step-parent and child. Honoring the role of parenting, as an act of responsibility to yourself as a step-parent, and to your step-child, empowers step-parents to act with loving consciousness and confidence, and makes the step-child feel worthy of being parented and loved and accepted by this new and important figure in their life. Whereas choosing to deflect the job of parenting causes the step-child to become insecure in the relationship. Simply put, the roles always need to be clear and intentional: step-parents do have the right to parent without endangering the place of the biological parent, and can model the importance of mindful relationships by doing so. It will always be clear that you will not replace the actual mother or father but you can own the role of being a parent to this child.
- Gonan Premfors
Co-founder,?Parentology
Image available under cc license by Pink Sherbet Photography
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- When Manipulation Spreads
- Parenting in Egypt (Part 2)
- Parenting in Egypt (Part 1)
- Parenting in Egypt (Part 3)
Category: Reflections
Source: http://parentologyblog.com/2012/02/step-parenting/
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